This is me: Kay Smits

THIS IS ME: KAY SMITS

I am the youngest of three; Jorn and Inger are five and three years older than me, so they started earlier with team sports and with handball. They have been my predecessors many times, for what I was going to do or what I wanted to do. So, I got a first taste of the sport through them and learned a bit about what handball was and why they liked it so much.

When I was three, four, five years old, you could not train with a team, this only started when you were six. I recall our Wednesday evenings, when my dad was coaching (Dutch club side) Sittardia, my brother and my sister had training with their teams, and my mother was teaching handball to the E-team, the youngest juniors. Of course, at age five, I could not stay home alone on Wednesdays, so I joined my mother and, luckily, I was allowed to train with that team, although I was only five. I loved handball so much — and I never stopped playing it.

My parents never forced us into playing handball, they encouraged us to try out a lot of different sports, both team and individual sports. All three of us did this; I was into athletics. Same story like with handball: Inger was already doing athletics, so I knew what it was a bit and that I wanted to try it as well. That is the advantage of being the youngest, you always have an example ahead of you.

Between six and 12, I combined athletics with handball. I tried as many disciplines as possible. We usually did the decathlon. I liked that the most, but what I really didn’t like were the 1,000 and 1,500 metres and the long-distance running. That was nothing for me, but the combination of all disciplines was fantastic. A competition lasted for a full day, and you could do the long jump, high jump, sprint, ball throwing, later javelin and hurdles, and the relay, so you got that team sport feeling.

I loved athletics, but when I was 12, I felt like I wanted to improve in handball and invest more time in that, and do more training. That was around the time I went to high school, where I could also play handball and get extra training. It was the moment for me to stop with athletics, it was just not possible to keep combining it.

Athletics is fantastic for a child that wants to do sports, you learn so much. It is the basis for many sports: speediness, jumping, running — all essentials for playing handball. Coaches have always asked me if I had done athletics in the past, they could see it. Athletics has certainly helped me.

At home, handball was always a topic of conversation at the dinner table. In our youth, it was very interesting and we liked it a lot, because handball was new to us and we still had so much to learn. But when we got older and spent more time playing handball, conversations that were not about handball became nicer. Sometimes we really searched for other topics, ‘Can we now talk about something other than handball?’

That is still the case. We don’t see each other much in person nowadays, but when we are together, of course, we discuss handball a lot, it is our life. But we also know it is not very often that we are all together — luckily it happened again for two days at Christmas — so we are aware that this time is very valuable. We want to enjoy it as much as possible, and it doesn’t matter what we talk about.

My goal as a handball player was always to go abroad. But I had an agreement with my parents that I first had to finish school and get my driver’s license. In my last year at high school, I started planning and looking for a club abroad — which I found in Wilhelmshaven, in the second Bundesliga (in 2016). Two years later I went to Denmark, to Holstebro.

At that time, I was still young and it was hard to predict where my career would go. But I considered my choices well. The year I went to Denmark, I also had the opportunity to go to France or to the first Bundesliga, but those options were not ideal for me. In Germany, for instance, I would be mainly used as a right wing and that was not what I wanted. Denmark was a bit more accessible for me than the first divisions in France or Germany, where the level was higher. That would have been too big a step for me at that time.

In Denmark, I got the chance to play at a very professional club in a very competitive league. They would use me in defence as well, and that was where I wanted to develop myself further. Jorn had played in Denmark before, and Inger played for the women’s team of Holstebro. So, once again, I could learn a lot from them because they had been ahead of me. They could tell me everything about the club and the people, so I knew Holstebro would fit perfectly in my picture, with their professionalism, their environment, their culture, it was super for me. I have developed fantastically there and had a lot of fun.

About once every two years, I analysed where I stood with my career, where I would want to go next, and what I needed to get there. It was a mixture of short- and long-term career planning. Next came SC Magdeburg, which was what I had dreamed of for years, to play for such a club. And especially Magdeburg, since I knew their type of game would suit me well. This was something I just couldn’t say ‘no’ to. This was not about planning anymore, not about what I wanted, where I would like to go, and what I needed for that. No, suddenly my dream became a reality — much faster than I had thought.

The two years at Magdeburg were fantastic, I learned more than in any other two years of my career. It ended with winning the EHF Champions League. For a Dutch player, you can hardly call this a dream, because it always feels so far away. Maybe it was a dream of mine, but some dreams just feel so unrealistic.

I always thought more about clubs or leagues where I wanted to play, I wasn’t thinking further like: ‘I want to win the Champions League’, or: ‘I want to become world champion.’ Of course, I also want to become world champion, but with the Netherlands it will be very difficult to accomplish this. So, winning the Champions League felt bigger than a dream come true.

A lot of my dreams felt far away, but year after year, those dreams have become a little bit more reality. When I started at Wilhelmshaven, I had no idea if it would ever be possible for me to play for Magdeburg or for Flensburg, only the real world-class players went there. OK, we as Dutch players were developing well, but this was still a different piece of cake.

But with the national team, we played more and more against those top-quality countries and players. That opened my eyes; yes, they were very good players and they certainly were well ahead of me, but I felt like I would be able to do the same in a few years’ time. I was not there yet, but I saw it as an opportunity. Slowly I started to feel it was possible. Still, it came faster than I expected, also winning the Champions League; three years before, I was still playing for, and happy at, Holstebro.

Before we reached the peak season with Magdeburg, I wasn’t happy with my role in the team and I knew that this was not the best for me, because I wasn’t first choice and didn’t get much playing time. I wanted a bigger and more challenging role, and I found that in Flensburg, so I signed with them already before going into my final season with Magdeburg.

With Flensburg, we didn’t have a good season last year but, luckily, we ended it with a prize by winning the EHF European League. It was a huge difference to Magdeburg, though, where we won four titles in two years, including the Bundesliga and the Champions League, which are the two biggest prizes in club handball. In Germany, many clubs rate winning the Bundesliga higher than winning the European League, because it is definitely harder to win the German league. But of course, it felt good to end my first season in Flensburg with a trophy, especially after what I had gone through in the months before.

I remember well how it started in the beginning of November 2023. I felt how quickly I got exhausted during high intensity training and matches. I had very little energy left in the tank. After we came back from Norway from a European League game with Flensburg, I was completely exhausted at the next training ahead of a Bundesliga game. I first thought that maybe I hadn’t slept well or was just overloaded, those things can happen to every athlete.

But the next day was the same. And in that match, it was just as bad. It went on and only got worse. But then I had one match where I felt normal, so I immediately thought that the issue was all over and that I was fine again, that maybe it had just been some little virus or so.

After that first match, I went to the club doctor and told him something was not right. I was absolutely exhausted after five minutes, I had absolutely no energy, so we needed to take a blood sample. We started doing various tests and kept searching as we couldn’t find the answer. In the end, on 12 December, after a cardiological test and MRI scan, we came to the diagnosis of an inflammation of the heart muscle, which surprised everyone.

It was very weird to hear that. Your heart, that sounds very serious right away, very big. That scared me a bit. Luckily, we had detected the problem relatively soon and the situation was pretty much under control. That gave me a bit of a relief, I knew I was in a good place. I had a very experienced doctor, who had worked with a range of top-level athletes with heart issues. That gave me some calm in this situation.

Still, it remained difficult for me, something unseizable. When you break your arm or twist your ankle, you feel the pain, you know exactly what it is. When you break a bone, you know it takes eight weeks. There is always a timeline for recovery, but the doctors could not give me that. They could not tell me if, or when I could play again. They could not give me that certainty, it was always wait and see how the scans would look like.

Of course, I was not allowed to do any sports or to get my heart rate up too much. And because I only felt the symptoms while doing sports, I didn’t know if things were improving or not, if it was going in the right direction, if I felt better, if I was healing. It took so long; it kept me in a state of insecurity during the recovery.

On the one hand, I had a good feeling about it in general and hoped I had a good chance based on what the doctors said and all the information I got. But on the other hand, I felt like I had completely lost control. I thought, ‘It’s not me who decides if it goes well, it’s my body which makes the choice now. And if it’s not possible because of my heart, I cannot change that.’ That was an awkward feeling, losing confidence in your own body.

The doctors told me some possible scenarios of how things could go, of what might happen. But they could not give me any guarantee whatsoever. They said it could be three months of complete rest, and then three months of recovery, but it could also take more time, or less. But at every check, at every test, they saw things improve and develop the way it should in an ideal scenario. So, I have had a lot of luck.

The first few days after the diagnosis in mid-December, it took me a while before I accepted that I could not play in the European championship with the Dutch team the following month. That was the most difficult thing to accept. When the situation was clearer and we had more information a few days later, I also expected my entire season with Flensburg would be over.

In a way, this helped my mindset. My thoughts were just that I wanted to play handball again: ‘I don’t care about this season, I don’t need to rush, I don’t have to play the EHF EURO, I don’t have to play anything with the club or the European League, I just hope my heart heals and then I have all the time to recover.’ Those thoughts brought peace to my mind, no feeling of rush.

The recovery had three phases for me: recovery without sport, recovery with sport, and being healthy again and allowed to play handball without restrictions. Mentally, the first part was maybe the easiest. I had a lot of support from my family, girlfriend and friends. I suddenly had a lot of time and freedom. I didn’t need to be at the club, since I wasn’t allowed to do anything, I had no obligations.

I felt when I stayed at one place for too long, I had too much time — and too much time to think. It was clear what I missed — not being at the European championship, not being with the Dutch team. That was difficult for me. But I used the time to be with my girlfriend a lot, with my family, with Jorn in Denmark, with a lot of friends. I really needed them, and I needed that distraction.

My biggest enemy was my own thoughts. When I had too much time, I started musing and became negative. I managed to avoid that pretty well. I only had a few moments where I felt negative looking to the future or where I had doubts. I think I was relatively calm in general.

But the third phase in the recovery — returning to handball without restrictions — was the most challenging part for me. Because I thought that once I have no issues with my body anymore and I am healthy again and feel physically close to where I was before, then I could start playing handball again like I had always done. But that was absolutely not the case. I had been out for so long, my whole body had to get used to it again.

So far this season, it has not been on my mind what happened last year. But I cannot say that doubts will never arise. I haven’t felt the same exhaustion again like I did a year ago. If that feeling would return, or if I would go through a similar phase again later in my career, I can imagine that I would feel anxious or doubtful.

But the medical staff is on top of it. If I have any doubts, I can always visit the club doctor and do some tests to exclude any issues. I know we can always act fast and check things right away. So, even if I would feel something again, I know I am in good hands.

Kay Smits
January 2025

Main photo © Jozo Cabraja / kolektiff images; feature photos © Anze Malovrh / kolektiff images, Jure Erzen / kolektiff images